On The Rampage

There is nothing like the centre of Melbourne on the Friday before the Grand Final. The atmosphere, the team colours in the crowded streets, the sheer electricity about the town.

And this year, the added spectacle of a Mexican standoff between armed police and an enormous enraged beast with a devastating hangover and a taste for human flesh.

The tequila drinking session in the park had left him much the worse for wear. Between, them Fev, Brown, Colin and man beast that used be Stewie Dew had drunk a crate of tequila washed down with a slab each. At one point, Fev had climbed a tree in an attempt to reach an owl's nest he claimed he could see and then got stuck up the tree and the Dewosaurus had had to go up after him and rescue the drunken sot.

It all got a bit messy after that. Browny did the right thing and handcuffed Fev and frogmarched him into a taxi. Colin disappeared muttring something about heading to The Men's Gallery while Danny Four Fingers had long since disappeared with a group of large heavily tattooed men.

Stupefied by drink, the Dewosaurus had wandered the streets before laying his great head on the first flat surface he could find.

Unfortunately for him, it was the steps of Parliament House. He slept until mid morning, oblivious to the crowd that had gathered around him. Upon awakening, he was startled and took flight, seeking shelter from the tumult.

The crowd on Bourke Street parted like the Red Sea as the Dewosaurus rampaged down the tramlines. The noise, the confusion, the incessant dinging of the tram bells and now the blaring sirens all combined to confuse the great beast. The ringing in his ears, the noise, the colour.

He picked up a car and threw it smashing into the plate glass windows of a coffee shop, sending the latte sipper inside scurrying for cover.

The Dewosaurus headed down the Bourke Street hill, unaware that the police had set a trap for him. As he lumbered through the intersection with Exhibition Street, divisional vans screeched to a halt on all four corners. Immediately, policemen took up position, their service revolvers pointed directly at him.

The crowd quickly surged behind the police to encircle the Dewosaurus. He was trapped. He quickly looked left, right, even above him the police helicopter hovered.

He roared at the police but unlike so many times before, they did not flee at his threat. Instead, they held their ground, knuckles wrapped around pistols turning white with determination. One of the policeman was a Geelong supporter and he was itching to get revenge for that third quarter burst last year.

A expectant hush fell over the crowd. The Dewosaurus snorted and pawed at the ground. Would he charge? One last desperate bid for freedom? Surely such a brave but futile act could only be met with a hail of bullets.

Then something magical happened. From out of the crowd came a slight figure, hands outstretched, approached

The Dewosaurus caught its scent. Soft, unthreatening, nothing to be afraid of.

The figure approached the great beast and laid a tiny, womanly hand on his heaving snout.

“Hello. My name is Bryce. What’s yours?”

The beast was confused. Normally he would swipe such a puny thing away, but he felt nothing but peace from this small wisp of a thing. This Bryce was no threat, it carried no malice in its heart.

He would trust Bryce. He sank to his haunches and waited.

Bryce turned to the crowd and from nowhere, slightly tinny mood music appeared:

"Why are we persecuting this poor misunderstood creature? It isn't his fault he is what he is. So he looks a bit different. Don't we all look a bit different, you sir for example, " said Bryce, pointing into the crowd at Luke Hodge, "you look like you've eaten the entire frozen food section at your local Safeway and have a face like a squished tomato, but nobody wants to hunt you down and kill you do they?"

Luke nodded. Bryce was right.

"Can't we all look into our hearts and find a little bit of room for Stewie? He might be hideously ugly on the outside, but on the inside, he's just a normal person with feelings like the rest of us."

The music that had appeared from nowhere now switched to soaring strings. Morgan Freeman walked out of the crowd and shook Bryce's hand. Together they embraced the Dewosaurus who shook his mane appreciatively.

The police lowered their guns and the commanding officer came over.

"Great speech there Marc"

"I'm Bryce"

"Whatever. Tell you what, we've give this bastard a ten minute headstart, after that, all bets are off."

The policeman who's 'Geelong Gay Premiers' tatoo was visible through his light blue shirt nodded grimly.

"OK," said Bryce, "That sounds fair."

The Dewosaurus was about to head through the crowd, who were stroking him appreciatively and beginning to chant his name, when a hideous screech broke the bonhomie.

Looking for all the world like one of Macbeth's witches, Sam's hateful thin reedy voice was heard:

"NO! NO! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL THE PIG! KILL PIGGY!"

The Dewosaurus, recognising danger, went immediately into combat mode. He sparng hundreds of feet into the air in a single mighty bound. He stuck his landing on top of a skyscraper like a gymnast and emitted a deathly roar that was heard as far away as Melbourne's new training ground in Orbost.

Where the Dewosaurus had been so close to perhaps regaining some humanity, now Sam's appearance had driven him once more back into his animal side.

"Why," asked Bryce of Sam, "Why do you have to ruin everything good in footy with your bullshit childish talentless fucking know nothing seedy death and sex obssesed crap, you monstrous witch?"

Sam merely cackled in reply, before raking Bryce's face with her claws and scampering off down a laneway.

The amusement over, the crowd began to depart home and get a skinful before the Grand Final tomorrow.

Once they had all filtered away, a single melancholic figure was left in the middle of the empty streets, yellowing autumnal leaves gusting around him while hot salty tears ran down his cheeks.

It was Luke Hodge.

"I'm not fat," he sniffed.

"I'm just big boned"