The denouement bit

The room was full of nervous tension as the audience awaited the Premier’s statement. The death and partial consumption of Alan Didak by Stewart Dew – or Homo Dewosaurus as the scientists now referred to him - had lead to calls for the Government to step in.

John Brumby strode from the wings and approached the microphone smiling like a wolf that had just disembowelled a lamb.

“Ladies, gentlemen, Ms Wilson, thanks for coming. I’m going to keep this short as I’m sure, this being a room full of journalists and footballers, you’re all dying to hit the free piss that’s sitting at the back of the room.

“Today, in conjunction with the Justice Minister, I created a new offence of Making Up Bullshit Footy Stories To Advance Your Own Career And Agenda. The maximum penalty for those found guilty of this offence will be life in prison.

“As many of you know, a broadsheet reporter called Sam recently made up a whole load of bullshit in an ego-driven attempt to boost her own shitful nepotistically derived career. To make matters worse, she tried to cloak this chiseling little effort in the kind of first year arts student pseudo feminist claptrap that The Wiggles would dismiss as intellectually shaky.

“As a result, a number of good people had their reputations tarnished and ultimately, a chain of events was put in place where Alan Didak was killed and eaten by Stewart Dew. Now I am not defending the events that lead up to what was so pathetically called ‘Dingogate’ – it sounds like Mr Sheedy does need to have a long hard look at himself - but what I am saying now is that beating shit like that up is wrong, it’s journalistically unprofessional and worse, it is, if you’ll pardon the pun, crying wolf.

“What if someone actually does try and root a dingo at the zoo? When the media reports that, people will just think ‘Oh, it’s just another beat up’. By doing what she did, Lane has actually set the cause of dingo protection back, she’s trivialized it. I come from the country and I’ve seen a dingo get rooted and let me tell you, it’s not very pretty. It’s certainly not something you should pretend happened when it didn’t.

“So as a result of this, I can today announce that the journalist in question is to be the first person jailed under the anti-making up bullshit footy story laws. A release date has not been set and we do not anticipate setting one. That is all, thank you.”

Brumby stepped down and someone at the back of the room turned on a stereo. Within minutes a full scale party had developed.

“I wonder what’s going to happen to poor Stewart,” Rebecca asked Chris, who bopped along to the music, mouthing the words to Livin’ La Vida Loco as he went.

“Apparently they’ve sent him out to a farm in South Australia where he can graze freely and wander around. You can hire him out for rides at kid’s parties and stuff. Look babes, I know this has been a tough few weeks but I know I haven’t been the boyfriend I should lately and I want to work on that,” he said.

Rebecca grabbed his hands eagerly. Was her old Chris finally coming back to her?

“Chris, I know you care so much about the environment and that’s so important, but I have needs too,” she said.

Chris nodded.

“I know babes, I know. Obviously I can’t give up my challenging and rewarding and in no way suspect job as a Visy Environmental Ambassador, but let’s just say I’m going to spending more time checking on the state of your lady garden too.”

They embraced. Chris said:

“Carn, let’s get out of here before bloody Nathan Brown comes over and starts bullshitting on about what a great fit he’d make in our forward line.”

The two left, holding hands. Elsewhere in the room, Caroline had cornered the Premier.

“You know, I wath alwayth againtht the Dingogate sthtowy, but Tham, thee wath like a bull in a china thop, I jutht couldn’t contwol her,” she said.

The world of football was almost back to normal. Briefly, it seemed equilibrium had been regained. Normal service had resumed.

And it would have stayed that way had a strapping bloke called Brendan not woken up the next morning, admired himself in a full length mirror and thought:

“I wonder what I’d look like with a big set of fake tits”

TO BE CONTINUED …